Memory Lane

I was recently thinking about memory lane, going through old messages, remembering old conversations that meant something to me at one point in time. I actually came across a few talking about how I didn't know who I was, and how I knew I was making decisions I would later regret. I knew I hurt certain people, but I could not remember ever having these conversations. That scares me. I was in such a bad place that I honestly blocked out a lot of things. Is that normal?
Oh if only I could go back and tell myself that I wont stay lost forever. I'm still trying to find myself but I'm starting to remember, as I've already said.

My issue now is that the person that I "was" and the person that I "became" are kind of conflicting. The life I'm living now is not exactly everything I would have really wanted. I guess it's kind of like being asleep but your body kept going, and waking up and wondering "what the hell, where am I??" There are thousands of little details that are missing from my life still that I miss.

I wouldn't want to go into big detail, but a lot of it has to do with my love life. I was in such a weird state of being that I think I kind of screwed up everything that was good, now I just have to deal with what's left. I miss the spark, the passion, the romance, the pizzazz, the....fun. I feel so alone in a house full of people, and the ones who are suppose to care, just seem to don't. It scares me that I'm going to wind up being the married couple that even in their middle ages can't stand each other, sleep in separate bedrooms, and fight all the time. Well we've got the fighting part down.

That's my biggest worry at the moment. That I'm just not going to be happy. Even after this life altering change I'm doing to make myself happy, there's still the one thing that means more to me than anything that just brings me down to my lowest.