I mentioned that I was looking into buying a house to move into and make my own and really start my life, my family. It was hard. Every house that seemed to have potential, especially the ones I really liked, all ended up having horrible problems. One had a landslide problem, one had foundation problems, one had the floor breaking away from the walls inside, one had termites and foundation problems and broken beams and septic failure and bad wiring. After that, it just started to seem like there was just no point. After many many weeks of discouragement, there was finally a house. I'm not settling down in a house any time soon, maybe not ever, so this was the perfect house to call ours for the next five years. The owners even excepted our offer not even an hour after putting down the first offer. And it just seemed meant to be.
That's when everything started getting harder. I always have believed in a yin-yang universe. With every good thing there is a bad. Its always happened to me, even in the best situations. Sometimes the bad happens first and I have something to look forward to after the bad happens. When our house was being foreclosed, my grandma passed, and everything was very tough for my family. But it opened up the possibility for us to move in with my grandpa who didn't want to live alone. After my daughter was born, and it is was amazing bringing that miracle into this world, we had moved back into the old house, and it was great. But my grandpa then passed suddenly not long after my daughter was born. Not only that but my daughter's father's family decided to HATE me. That is a long story in itself. But after all that, we got engaged. That's always how its been. With every good there is a bad. When I decided to leave the nest, there were too many bad things that had happened to mention. So it isn't much of a surprise that after getting this house, and everything started falling into place that I started waiting for something bad to happen. But nothing came. And for a moment I thought my yin-yang theory might be wrong.
But something bad did happen. I already had a lousy roommate, so it wasn't surprising that he decided to get very dick-ish (pardon the language) after realizing he would be the only one without a new place to go. If that wasn't enough, me and my best friend were having issues. So social matters were tough, but not horrible. But that's when I found out the really bad news.
I've tried not blogging about it. I have for other posts I've saved as drafts but I don't have any desire to finish them any time soon. I'm in a very depressed state of mind and I'm trying my hardest to get out of it. Maybe blogging about what is really on my mind is easier than ignoring it and trying so damn hard to imagine it away. But I can't. It's always there, the thoughts, the horrible horrible dark dreams.
I had a miscarriage. I hadn't really known I was even pregnant, except for being three months late, and having that gut feeling. The week I decided to make a doctors appointment, I had the miscarriage. And the thought that keeps running over and over and over in my head is that I neglected the little life I had growing inside me until I killed it. If I hadn't tried to deny the fact I was pregnant, maybe things would have been different. If I had gone to the doctor and not been so scared if what would happen if I was pregnant, it wouldn't have happened. There is a horrible sickening feeling inside me now that won't go away. I try so hard to listen to things like "it wasn't your fault, it happens to a lot of women". The thoughts of knowing my body let a baby die inside me are overwhelming me. My body wasn't good enough to let a baby grow, meaning something is wrong with me. Or I neglected it and killed it. That thought haunts me every moment. I go and get a house to start my family, start our lives, in our own home, and my body won't let my family grow. I don't know how to cope with this, but I still go with the motions. I'm still here, even in this sadness. I'm not sure if there could be a yang happy enough to come from this yin.
Life tries to bring you down. Way way down.
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