thoughts that happen when I first wake up

It's Saturday, and feels like every other day. There's a bottle of champagne in the fridge and I just bought a new blue dress. The season has finally changed but everything else is still the same. There's nothing much to report, and nothing much has happened. I know in my heart I'm trying, but there isn't much that will happened when only one person is fighting. Once upon a time I had a fighter by my side who reminded me why we fought. Now it's unnerving to fall asleep. When there is sleep there are also dreams. Dreams are always much too vivid for my own good. They have a way of resetting emotional tolls that I bury deep. I never know what emotional past might ordain upon me. I can feel myself wanting to retreat back into the zombie-like state I was once in. I chose to wake up. I chose to be myself as a person again. I didn't think it would resurface everything that I repressed in my lost days. To fall back into the comfort of going with the motions. To fall back into the arms of the dark where I didn't have to have to feel about every little thing that happens to me. I'm teetering on the edge of the trench I've known all my life that is licking it's lips to swallow me whole. I can fight through each battle, I can make it through a battle alone. The war on the other hand, the war that will never end is one that I need a fighter. I need a comrade. I need an army. I alone can bring down the keep, but I need someone by my side who knows what I'm fighting for to help me slay the ruler. Stronger and stronger I make myself. The stronger I become the more memories seem so lost. A whole life that I lost to the darkness. I'm not finding myself again because I lost everything in that last life. I'm picking the pieces up and rebuilding what once a strong life. I'm not finding, I'm rebuilding. I may never be the same, I can only be who I remember, take that person as a model, and use what has happened to me now to build a better me.
But here on Saturday morning, I wage a war inside myself and you sit oblivious. You sit and don't want to fight for us. Then why am I fighting inside myself for you?

Not a Poem, Just a Thought

Sometimes I wonder if you even notice me. If you notice little things about me. The little things that I do for you.
Sometimes I wonder if you notice the things I do for you. The things that I would never do for anyone else. The way I'm there for you the way I'll never be there for anyone else.
Sometimes I wonder if you even think about me. I think about you all day long. I think about all the things I want to do with you and for you.
Sometimes I wonder if you love me. If you even love me the way that I so uncontrollably love you.
Sometimes I wonder if you notice how much I love you.
Sometimes I wonder if you see how sad I am. So sad that I just want you to sit and tell me how much you love me and make me feel like I mean something to you.
Sometimes I wonder if you see how lonely I am. Sitting in a room with you can feel even more lonely than when you're not even home. There's miles between us in a small room.
Sometimes I wonder if you even want me. If you want me the way that I desperately want you. The way I want you for the rest of my life. Physically, emotionally, mentally, uncontrollably.
Sometimes I wonder if you even see me. See how I look for just you. See what I do for just you. See everything that I try to be for just only you.
Sometimes I wonder if you know me. If you know who I even am. What it is that makes me me. Everything I do and everything I like and everything I want. What it is that puts me together.
Sometimes I wonder if you even love me for me. If you actually love the little pieces that make me who I am. If the little things about me are special to you. If there is anything at all about me that makes me important to you.
Sometimes I wonder if you want to be with me. Or if you are just with me because you can. If who I am is the type of person you want to be with.
Sometimes I wonder if you see how much I throw myself at you. How I spin in circles to get you to notice me. How I beg just for your attention even when I know I wont get anything in return.
Sometimes I wonder if you even care. Care about anything that I have to say. Care about any of the things that I think. Care about any of the things that I care about.

Sometimes I wonder if you notice how much you're losing me.