Crafty Little Me

I think it's almost a law for every artsy mom to sew their child's Halloween costume. My daughter (did I mention I have a daughter?  Hurray for young unmarried moms) is now one and this is where holidays really get exciting... and I love Halloween anyway so this year her and I are going to dress up together.

Alice in Wonderland is one of my all time favourite characters, and my second all time favourite fairy tale. Peter Pan is the first but sorry, I'm not dressing in green tights. Anyway, she is going to be Alice and I'm going to be her Mad Hatter. I'm sticking to more of the Lewis Carroll characters instead of Disney, even though I have an unusual fascination with Disney, I just like everything to be original and classic. Disney costumes have bombarded me most of my childhood so I like being different.

I bought her fabrics last week for her dress and apron, and this will be the first time I actually bought a store pattern and I HATE store patterns. The instructions are all over the place. Eventually I chucked them and made my own version of the apron I was trying to create.

Six hours later this is what I got:

Tah-dah! I am very proud for it being (mostly) a store pattern. It's also my first thing I had completely sewn for my daughter. I'm still debating whether or not I'm going to use the dress pattern or just make one myself.


~peace people!

thoughts that happen when I first wake up

It's Saturday, and feels like every other day. There's a bottle of champagne in the fridge and I just bought a new blue dress. The season has finally changed but everything else is still the same. There's nothing much to report, and nothing much has happened. I know in my heart I'm trying, but there isn't much that will happened when only one person is fighting. Once upon a time I had a fighter by my side who reminded me why we fought. Now it's unnerving to fall asleep. When there is sleep there are also dreams. Dreams are always much too vivid for my own good. They have a way of resetting emotional tolls that I bury deep. I never know what emotional past might ordain upon me. I can feel myself wanting to retreat back into the zombie-like state I was once in. I chose to wake up. I chose to be myself as a person again. I didn't think it would resurface everything that I repressed in my lost days. To fall back into the comfort of going with the motions. To fall back into the arms of the dark where I didn't have to have to feel about every little thing that happens to me. I'm teetering on the edge of the trench I've known all my life that is licking it's lips to swallow me whole. I can fight through each battle, I can make it through a battle alone. The war on the other hand, the war that will never end is one that I need a fighter. I need a comrade. I need an army. I alone can bring down the keep, but I need someone by my side who knows what I'm fighting for to help me slay the ruler. Stronger and stronger I make myself. The stronger I become the more memories seem so lost. A whole life that I lost to the darkness. I'm not finding myself again because I lost everything in that last life. I'm picking the pieces up and rebuilding what once a strong life. I'm not finding, I'm rebuilding. I may never be the same, I can only be who I remember, take that person as a model, and use what has happened to me now to build a better me.
But here on Saturday morning, I wage a war inside myself and you sit oblivious. You sit and don't want to fight for us. Then why am I fighting inside myself for you?

Not a Poem, Just a Thought

Sometimes I wonder if you even notice me. If you notice little things about me. The little things that I do for you.
Sometimes I wonder if you notice the things I do for you. The things that I would never do for anyone else. The way I'm there for you the way I'll never be there for anyone else.
Sometimes I wonder if you even think about me. I think about you all day long. I think about all the things I want to do with you and for you.
Sometimes I wonder if you love me. If you even love me the way that I so uncontrollably love you.
Sometimes I wonder if you notice how much I love you.
Sometimes I wonder if you see how sad I am. So sad that I just want you to sit and tell me how much you love me and make me feel like I mean something to you.
Sometimes I wonder if you see how lonely I am. Sitting in a room with you can feel even more lonely than when you're not even home. There's miles between us in a small room.
Sometimes I wonder if you even want me. If you want me the way that I desperately want you. The way I want you for the rest of my life. Physically, emotionally, mentally, uncontrollably.
Sometimes I wonder if you even see me. See how I look for just you. See what I do for just you. See everything that I try to be for just only you.
Sometimes I wonder if you know me. If you know who I even am. What it is that makes me me. Everything I do and everything I like and everything I want. What it is that puts me together.
Sometimes I wonder if you even love me for me. If you actually love the little pieces that make me who I am. If the little things about me are special to you. If there is anything at all about me that makes me important to you.
Sometimes I wonder if you want to be with me. Or if you are just with me because you can. If who I am is the type of person you want to be with.
Sometimes I wonder if you see how much I throw myself at you. How I spin in circles to get you to notice me. How I beg just for your attention even when I know I wont get anything in return.
Sometimes I wonder if you even care. Care about anything that I have to say. Care about any of the things that I think. Care about any of the things that I care about.

Sometimes I wonder if you notice how much you're losing me.

Being "Hoopful"

I bought a hula hoop/dance hoop today! I've been wanting one for the longest time but never felt like I should because it's a belly dance style, and a lot of people around here think that is "slutty". I really could care less anymore. As part of my "transition" I thought I would be good for me to get one.

I am so excited!

That's the one I ordered from http://www.etsy.com/shop/TeHooplah

I love learning new things, especially free-expressed things (like hoop dancing!) This is exactly what I need right now. I'm not sure when it's suppose to come in but it could have gotten here five minutes ago and it just wouldn't be soon enough!

I also went thrifting the other day. I found the most wonderful skirt. It has that bohemian flowey style and it's a soft made-to-look denim material. I also found a lovely flowey orange shirt that is perfect for the start of fall. My favourite item of all was this crochet knit tunic piece that is just so lovely. Of course I got other items but those were my treasured finds. I'm really digging doing fringe braided shirts so scissors have been my friends to my long lost t shirts lately. 

I'm giving my old shirts a face lift! 

~peace out!

Free Time

I got in these HUGE post-it note paper. I'm already drawing crazy things on them.. but kinda haven't even finished one drawing project yet. I'm such a procrastinator. I started this really rad flower mandala type thing, half way through finishing it I started a detailed drawing of a dream catcher. Sketching on huge paper is difficult. The details are bigger, you have to really pay attention because you can see everything on the huge  paper. Perfectionism does NOT come in handy now.

I've been trying to think of something to put up on the walls. These are sticky notes, with the sticky back and everything so they're great for putting on the wall (where I currently am renting from we're not allowed to hang things with nails up, and the paint is weird and wont hold those sticky wall hooks). This house is so bland without any type of wall decor. None of our furniture matches and a lot of it is hand-me-down's or old furniture that was already here. You can really tell it's everyone's first place. I'm trying to do a lot of diy projects to make it look decent here (I have about 20 projects going on right now) but doesn't help much that I'm the only one who does it all, plus cleanings, and cooking, and laundry. I'm the b*tch of the house!

I actually finished one project, a plywood desk  that was all black, now it's gold and purple and looks soo much better. I just still have to put a clear coat on it to make sure it doesn't peel off since it's spray paint. My next project I'm trying to do is "autumn up" the place. I made a couple of felt leaf garlands but those really didn't do much. Next I tackle the fireplace mantel.

It's very fun, doing a lot of these things myself. I do them when I can, because it's fun, and I don't tell myself I "need" to do this or I "need" to finish something. That makes it seem like work! Doing everything because I want to, because I enjoy it, makes it all seem so much more laid back and easy rather than stressing about it.

Do it with a smile or it's just not worth doing! 

         ^new phrase, kinda likin' it^

Memory Lane

I was recently thinking about memory lane, going through old messages, remembering old conversations that meant something to me at one point in time. I actually came across a few talking about how I didn't know who I was, and how I knew I was making decisions I would later regret. I knew I hurt certain people, but I could not remember ever having these conversations. That scares me. I was in such a bad place that I honestly blocked out a lot of things. Is that normal?
Oh if only I could go back and tell myself that I wont stay lost forever. I'm still trying to find myself but I'm starting to remember, as I've already said.

My issue now is that the person that I "was" and the person that I "became" are kind of conflicting. The life I'm living now is not exactly everything I would have really wanted. I guess it's kind of like being asleep but your body kept going, and waking up and wondering "what the hell, where am I??" There are thousands of little details that are missing from my life still that I miss.

I wouldn't want to go into big detail, but a lot of it has to do with my love life. I was in such a weird state of being that I think I kind of screwed up everything that was good, now I just have to deal with what's left. I miss the spark, the passion, the romance, the pizzazz, the....fun. I feel so alone in a house full of people, and the ones who are suppose to care, just seem to don't. It scares me that I'm going to wind up being the married couple that even in their middle ages can't stand each other, sleep in separate bedrooms, and fight all the time. Well we've got the fighting part down.

That's my biggest worry at the moment. That I'm just not going to be happy. Even after this life altering change I'm doing to make myself happy, there's still the one thing that means more to me than anything that just brings me down to my lowest.

Find Time for the Little Things

I don't normally have time to actually post things. I have a notebook full of little thoughts and ideas (sometimes rants) that I wish I would have posted, but never find the time to actually do it.

I want to find time to blog again, I want to find me again. A few years ago I kind of lost myself. I went through this sort of mental breakdown and in turn it made me lose sight of who I was. My style changed, I lost a lot of friends, even lost my best friend. I ended up going through a huge heartbreak because I listened and was influenced by other people instead of listening to me. I got in this horrible depression state, and I already have a type of depression, but this just took the cake. I was acting completely opposite of who I was.

I used to be a "hippie" (as what other people called me) I haven't been like that in almost three years. I hadn't been vegetarian/pesco-vegetarian in two years. I hadn't been involved in church since summer of 2011. I lost myself. Lately, the past month or so, I've been trying to find "me" again...and it feels sooo good. I actually feel happy again, or at least for the most part.

There are certain people involved in my life that bring me down. Not that they do it on purpose, but I ruined a lot of things when I went through my little ordeal, and now I'm not too sure if things are ever going to be the same again. Especially since I'm trying to appreciate the little things that used to make me "me" some people are looking at it like it's for attention. That I'm "changing" just to be noticed. I'm not changing. I'm ridding myself of the horrible change that glued itself in me.

So they can talk all they want, they can have their opinions of me and how I'm not their version of normal. I used to not let that stuff bother me, and once I listened to one persons opinion rather than my own, a huge hole was ripped open in me and all of societies influences and other peoples thoughts and opinions filled the hole rather than me fixing my own hole.

So now, I'm not letting that stuff matter anymore. I'm doing things everyday that make me happy, what bring me peace and pleasure, not what I should do and not what I'm suppose to do.

I'm finding time for the little things that used to make me, me.