I Fail

Lately, since I haven't been able to sit in front if a computer in over a month, I h e been failing at blogging. I even got this new app (when I don't even use apps mostly) on my phone just so I could blog easily. Yeah, still doesn't help much.

It ha been very cold lately and my room is in the back of the house and gets no circulation. Therefore it is always 40 degrees in my room. Ok so maybe not 40 degrees but probably 50. Cold enough that if you stand in there for two minutes or more, you will start shivering. Since the. computer is in the freezing room, I haven't really wanted to numb my buttcheeks just to sit on the computer.

But I miss blogging. I always think "oh I should blog about this" or I have an idea and instantly think "oh I so need to make a blog on this" but so far I haven't really gotten around to it. I'm hoping this app deal will help. We shall see

Later maybe..

Days of Christmas two

So lets do a quick DIY shall we? I love the smell of cinnamon in the winter, especially for the holidays, so I already have candles everywhere and scented pine cones in every corner and in my tree. Still it's not enough for me. A lovely way before people come over, or just a nice night sitting with hot chocolate looking at he lights is to throw some cinnamon in the fireplace.

We have a wood stove and very do often I take a cinnamon stick and wrap it tight in newspaper and put it in a corner of the stove so it burns slowly and smells heavenly. It is also nice if you wrap a couple piece of eucalyptus in with the cinnamon, so you smell the cinnamon but you also have a nice relief of clearing your sinuses in then cold winter. We have a cast iron kettle we keep on top of the stove with water that evaporates after a while of the stove burning that I like to put eucalyptus in too, so the aroma and vapors of the eucalyptus last longer than just burning it. Either way it's lovely to have along with the delicious smell of a cinnamon fire in the winter

Day one - 25 days of Christmas

Lets start with the new things, first, I finally got a phone that works! It's my first iPhone and so far it is so much better than trying to use old phones that had a thousand things wrong with them.

Next is my new kitty! Meet Gandalf the Grey, or just Grey for short. We found him at 630am one morning laying on our front porch in front of the door trying I huddle and be warm. He's been here a couple weeks now and he has grown soo much. He's hardly a year I'm guessing because of how he's still growing and how playful he still is and he still had itty bitty kitten teeth. He's the newest addition to our family and its silly how much I loved this kitty after only a day. I love that I took him in rather than going out and buying a cat, it's such a humbler thing to rescue your pets.

25 days of Christmas

Each day (or days if I get backed up) I'm going to post something about my Christmas or December. Sometimes it might just be a regular post or it may be a DIY post or it may just be an idea of something I'd like to do this December. But nonetheless, it is December and it is my favorite holiday month and I'm going to make the very best of it I can, giving my certain circumstances.

meh, short blog

So here we are again, it's finally the Christmas season... well actually it's kind of been the Christmas season for me since the day after Halloween, but anyway, now the rest of everywhere is in the Christmas spirit too. I finally have my last tree up and decorated (yes that's right, last tree. I have five.) This is my first Christmas in my own house with my daughter and so far... it's pretty difficult. Actually it's almost depressing. I found out that this year I won't be able to give my daughter the Christmas I wish I could. I actually have had to try to get her gifts through charity. This is my favourite time of year, and I'm so used being able to give to charities and do things for charities, and now I can't. Now I can't afford to give to charities because I can't even afford to give things to my daughter. Of course I have a wonderful family who are helping out and are offering to get all the things I wish I could give my daughter, but still. I just wish I was capable of doing it on my own. She will have a wonderful Christmas either way, I just can't wait until the day that we all are stable enough to do things like Christmas.

Anyway, I've been very very busy lately. If I'm not busy making ornaments (which I want to post a blog on each one I've made because I'm sooo proud of myself!) I've been baking for Thanksgiving, or just in general busy. It's hard to find a good routine around this time of year.

I also need a good detoxing. after all the thanksgiving food I really just want a giant bowl of brown rice and spinach.

Well this is a short blog because now I have to go rescue my tree from the running toddler

~peace!~

The Day After Halloween

Hello world.
I've been MIA for a while, from not just my internet addiction but from a lot. I need to get out of the mental slump I'm falling back into, although everything just seems to keep going downhill.
 It all started a couple weeks ago when the shared car...crashed. Thankfully no one was hurt, besides the car. And then we didn't have a car to use. And just another thing to add to our expensive now. Because of this reason, I didn't get to do many things with my daughter this October, and didn't get to really have that fall fun that I really was looking forward to doing with her this year. No pumpkin patch, no corn mazes, no Halloween stores, no Halloween crafting.
There has also been drama and related things that have to do with who is and isn't really my friend anymore. But as of this moment, I really don't know who still is a "friend." I also smashed my phone. Completely shattered it. So now I have to use an old phone with a screen that kind of works less than half the time, but will not make or answer calls. Which is pretty much useless except to fill the empty physical void of not having a phone in my pocket.
Money is so tight lately that I'm having trouble just thinking about going to the grocery store. Money is stretched so tightly that I eat ramen for meals more than a college student. The rent is just beyond all of our combined capabilities. I've had to put my shop on hold because I can't find the time to continue making an inventory because I'm too busy stressing about everything else.
Hurricane Sandy also decided to make a mess of things. I don't have actual heat in my house besides a small wood stove and lots, and lots of space heaters. So now it's about 20 degrees less than what I have been prepared for in less than a week. I also couldn't finish my daughters Halloween costume. So at the last minute I had to pull together a costume, which actually didn't turn out too bad.

Just some thick black leggings, a black sock stuffed with fluff for a tail, ears made of felt and hot glued to a headband, a tutu, and a plain black shirt. Of course you can't forget the nose and whiskers!

I thought she was just adorable.

But now it is the very beginning of November.It's sweaters and boots weather. It's the beginning stages of getting ready for Christmas. A couple more weeks and I can decorate this house all up for the first time for Christmas. I am absolutely Christmas crazy. It's my absolute favorite time of year and I wish it could last much longer.
I have a huge list I want to get for my daughter for gifts this year but with money, well, we'll see how this works.

But let the Holiday Season commence!

-peace!

Low

You know those times where you think things couldn't possibly get worse..and then they always do? Yeah. I've officially hit the low of lows of the lowest I've ever been. I can't really get into detail without fear of someone calling me a horrible mom and not being able to take care of my daughter or gosh knows what. Point blank right now is that We're poor.

I haven't blogged in a while because I just haven't had anything to say besides just about how much worse things are getting. Everything is such a struggle now more than ever. I have these worries that I don't want to have to worry about. Things that most other people take for granted on a daily basis. Things that most people wouldn't even think could be worrisome.

Tidy-Up Day

I've been very, very, under the weather for the past week. No real need to go into detail except for saying I really couldn't do much besides sit in a curled up ball all day. And for anyone who has ever raised a toddler...well being ill and having a very hyper toddler running around knows that it just doesn't go very smoothly.

Anyway now that I'm starting to feel better (knock-on-wood) I really need to clean this house. We just moved into this house at the end of April this year and I haven't seen it clean-clean since then. There is always some unfinished DIY project laying around, a one year old's mess, still packed boxes in some room, or just a regular mess. Being sick really revved up my "I need to do something" energy. Might as well put that to good use!
I despise the word "cleaning" though. It makes me remember days of childhood with my organized-obsessed mother would pretty much say the word "cleaning" at least 20 times a day. I love her to death but the word "clean" alone makes me think of a chore. Being said, I have made myself a Tidy-Up day.  Feels like some 50's shenanigan housewife party. You really don't hear anyone say tidy up anymore, all the more reason  to use that.

There's always something so revitalizing to me about cleaning the whole house out during the change of the seasons. Air out the house of everything that was from last season and ready the home for new and positive things to happen in the season to come. Hopefully I won't get sidetracked and decide to start another home DIY project in the middle of it all...which believe it or not happens about 8/10 times I try to clean. Oops, lol.

In other great news, I don't think I've mentioned the Etsy.com shop I'm going to be opening sometime in the end of fall, or hopefully sooner. I've been working on jewelry pieces to sell, it's a great hobby and a great way to earn a little extra money here and there. I'm finally putting my finishing pieces together to sell, and I just have to take pictures of them all and make them look pretty professional. Most of the jewelry pieces are very boho hippie friendly. My favourite piece that I'm having a hard time wanting to part with is this super shiny bronze necklace that say's "zen" in cursive that I wire bent myself. I'm sure I'll write about my shop in detail in another post.

The second great news is that I finally got my dance hoop! On days that I had more energy I tried hula hooping and wow. I haven't done that in years so it took a few tries before I got it and so far my record of hooping without stopping is 149. I want to get to at least 200 before I actually start practicing dancing with it.  ..also because I already tried and failed miserably to the point where it's just embarrassing to mention. There were several things knocked over.

Anyway now that I've updated my going-on's I suppose it's back to cleaning.. I mean Tidy-Up Day.

~pieces of peace to all 

Bringing In Autumn

I already love decorating for whatever occasion, so it's just common knowledge that I would go all out with having my actual first house. I love a lot about Autumn and I love using the seasons bounty as opposed to plastic imitation decorations.

This is what I've done to my mantel. We have some dried grass and dried painted leaves and fresh gourds (that I really hope don't rot to soon) and some more dried plant odds and ends in front of my hand-me-down mirror. I actually love my mantel. My mirror (which I'm thinking of painting, just too much brown in my house) is surrounded by two pieces of artwork that I made from scrap paint chips and old picture frame glass, a thrift store lamp, and vintage double picture frame that opens and closes like a book that I got from a second hand store for only a buck!

I know it's different but I just love bringing in all these lovely earth made decorations into my home. There is something that just feels so good about it!


-Peace&Love!

A New October

Well it's that time of year again. The time of flannel shirts, spiced treats, and lots and lots of warm colours. The summer was not on my good side, but now it is officially October which is the complete start of the cooler seasons now which are my absolute favourite. It's only the first but already a pumpkin doughnut recipe is calling my name.

Things (for me) to remember about Autumn:

- It is the season of harvest and thanks. I need to appreciate the things that I have, enjoy the bounty of life that I have every day. Even if it's as small as my delicious left over mildly organic chicken alfredo. I do have a lot to be thankful for but I've come to realize that the more and more I stress, the more and more I take the little things.

- The world is calming down to prepare for it's winter snooze that is just around the corner. The world is calming down around me, this makes it the perfect opportunity to zen out and rid myself of the remaining hectic lifestyle that I've been trying to shake.

Notes for self:

- Everything has a once in a lifetime experience because no two experiences will ever be the same.
- Make memories!
- Finish organizing the house to make it feel like a home.
- Only two more months until Christmas. Start Saving!
- Take Emaline to a corn maze. That will certainly be a once in a lifetime memory!
- Make lots and lots of warm soups and casseroles, yumm!
- Buy a bicycle, perfect weather now.


~Peace Love Happiness people!

Oh Monday

Ah, it is Monday again. Oh the joy of..oh wait, doing exactly what I did yesterday! Monday's really don't come at such a bother to me while the rest of the world groans about the weekend being over. I'm getting a set routine down and that is very abnormal for me. I feel like I'm becoming a housewife. As in married to my house. As in a slave to the thing that keeps the rain off of my head. I don't like this routine I have, no matter how laid back I am about it. it's still eerie for me to wake up every morning and the first thing I do is think about what I need to get done. Not to mention how stressful that is.

I'm actually debating whether or not I should just make a chore chart, but that feels like going a bit overboard. I just hate living with a bunch of people and I'm the only one who has the nerve to do stuff around the house. For anybody that actually knows me that I am the LAST person to want to do housework. I much would rather spend the time I have doing something much more creative. But alas. I am the "mom of the house" and will be the only one to cook dinner or clean up or do the laundry. Damn, make me feel like a petty woman.

For being young, I certainly feel like I should be middle aged. I definitely have the responsibilities of a grown woman of at least 40.

I realize this is becoming yet another rant. Perhaps I will stop blogging now and try again later with something much more interesting and upbeat...

Alright, coffee time.


~peace!

Crafty Little Me

I think it's almost a law for every artsy mom to sew their child's Halloween costume. My daughter (did I mention I have a daughter?  Hurray for young unmarried moms) is now one and this is where holidays really get exciting... and I love Halloween anyway so this year her and I are going to dress up together.

Alice in Wonderland is one of my all time favourite characters, and my second all time favourite fairy tale. Peter Pan is the first but sorry, I'm not dressing in green tights. Anyway, she is going to be Alice and I'm going to be her Mad Hatter. I'm sticking to more of the Lewis Carroll characters instead of Disney, even though I have an unusual fascination with Disney, I just like everything to be original and classic. Disney costumes have bombarded me most of my childhood so I like being different.

I bought her fabrics last week for her dress and apron, and this will be the first time I actually bought a store pattern and I HATE store patterns. The instructions are all over the place. Eventually I chucked them and made my own version of the apron I was trying to create.

Six hours later this is what I got:

Tah-dah! I am very proud for it being (mostly) a store pattern. It's also my first thing I had completely sewn for my daughter. I'm still debating whether or not I'm going to use the dress pattern or just make one myself.


~peace people!

thoughts that happen when I first wake up

It's Saturday, and feels like every other day. There's a bottle of champagne in the fridge and I just bought a new blue dress. The season has finally changed but everything else is still the same. There's nothing much to report, and nothing much has happened. I know in my heart I'm trying, but there isn't much that will happened when only one person is fighting. Once upon a time I had a fighter by my side who reminded me why we fought. Now it's unnerving to fall asleep. When there is sleep there are also dreams. Dreams are always much too vivid for my own good. They have a way of resetting emotional tolls that I bury deep. I never know what emotional past might ordain upon me. I can feel myself wanting to retreat back into the zombie-like state I was once in. I chose to wake up. I chose to be myself as a person again. I didn't think it would resurface everything that I repressed in my lost days. To fall back into the comfort of going with the motions. To fall back into the arms of the dark where I didn't have to have to feel about every little thing that happens to me. I'm teetering on the edge of the trench I've known all my life that is licking it's lips to swallow me whole. I can fight through each battle, I can make it through a battle alone. The war on the other hand, the war that will never end is one that I need a fighter. I need a comrade. I need an army. I alone can bring down the keep, but I need someone by my side who knows what I'm fighting for to help me slay the ruler. Stronger and stronger I make myself. The stronger I become the more memories seem so lost. A whole life that I lost to the darkness. I'm not finding myself again because I lost everything in that last life. I'm picking the pieces up and rebuilding what once a strong life. I'm not finding, I'm rebuilding. I may never be the same, I can only be who I remember, take that person as a model, and use what has happened to me now to build a better me.
But here on Saturday morning, I wage a war inside myself and you sit oblivious. You sit and don't want to fight for us. Then why am I fighting inside myself for you?

Not a Poem, Just a Thought

Sometimes I wonder if you even notice me. If you notice little things about me. The little things that I do for you.
Sometimes I wonder if you notice the things I do for you. The things that I would never do for anyone else. The way I'm there for you the way I'll never be there for anyone else.
Sometimes I wonder if you even think about me. I think about you all day long. I think about all the things I want to do with you and for you.
Sometimes I wonder if you love me. If you even love me the way that I so uncontrollably love you.
Sometimes I wonder if you notice how much I love you.
Sometimes I wonder if you see how sad I am. So sad that I just want you to sit and tell me how much you love me and make me feel like I mean something to you.
Sometimes I wonder if you see how lonely I am. Sitting in a room with you can feel even more lonely than when you're not even home. There's miles between us in a small room.
Sometimes I wonder if you even want me. If you want me the way that I desperately want you. The way I want you for the rest of my life. Physically, emotionally, mentally, uncontrollably.
Sometimes I wonder if you even see me. See how I look for just you. See what I do for just you. See everything that I try to be for just only you.
Sometimes I wonder if you know me. If you know who I even am. What it is that makes me me. Everything I do and everything I like and everything I want. What it is that puts me together.
Sometimes I wonder if you even love me for me. If you actually love the little pieces that make me who I am. If the little things about me are special to you. If there is anything at all about me that makes me important to you.
Sometimes I wonder if you want to be with me. Or if you are just with me because you can. If who I am is the type of person you want to be with.
Sometimes I wonder if you see how much I throw myself at you. How I spin in circles to get you to notice me. How I beg just for your attention even when I know I wont get anything in return.
Sometimes I wonder if you even care. Care about anything that I have to say. Care about any of the things that I think. Care about any of the things that I care about.

Sometimes I wonder if you notice how much you're losing me.

Being "Hoopful"

I bought a hula hoop/dance hoop today! I've been wanting one for the longest time but never felt like I should because it's a belly dance style, and a lot of people around here think that is "slutty". I really could care less anymore. As part of my "transition" I thought I would be good for me to get one.

I am so excited!

That's the one I ordered from http://www.etsy.com/shop/TeHooplah

I love learning new things, especially free-expressed things (like hoop dancing!) This is exactly what I need right now. I'm not sure when it's suppose to come in but it could have gotten here five minutes ago and it just wouldn't be soon enough!

I also went thrifting the other day. I found the most wonderful skirt. It has that bohemian flowey style and it's a soft made-to-look denim material. I also found a lovely flowey orange shirt that is perfect for the start of fall. My favourite item of all was this crochet knit tunic piece that is just so lovely. Of course I got other items but those were my treasured finds. I'm really digging doing fringe braided shirts so scissors have been my friends to my long lost t shirts lately. 

I'm giving my old shirts a face lift! 

~peace out!

Free Time

I got in these HUGE post-it note paper. I'm already drawing crazy things on them.. but kinda haven't even finished one drawing project yet. I'm such a procrastinator. I started this really rad flower mandala type thing, half way through finishing it I started a detailed drawing of a dream catcher. Sketching on huge paper is difficult. The details are bigger, you have to really pay attention because you can see everything on the huge  paper. Perfectionism does NOT come in handy now.

I've been trying to think of something to put up on the walls. These are sticky notes, with the sticky back and everything so they're great for putting on the wall (where I currently am renting from we're not allowed to hang things with nails up, and the paint is weird and wont hold those sticky wall hooks). This house is so bland without any type of wall decor. None of our furniture matches and a lot of it is hand-me-down's or old furniture that was already here. You can really tell it's everyone's first place. I'm trying to do a lot of diy projects to make it look decent here (I have about 20 projects going on right now) but doesn't help much that I'm the only one who does it all, plus cleanings, and cooking, and laundry. I'm the b*tch of the house!

I actually finished one project, a plywood desk  that was all black, now it's gold and purple and looks soo much better. I just still have to put a clear coat on it to make sure it doesn't peel off since it's spray paint. My next project I'm trying to do is "autumn up" the place. I made a couple of felt leaf garlands but those really didn't do much. Next I tackle the fireplace mantel.

It's very fun, doing a lot of these things myself. I do them when I can, because it's fun, and I don't tell myself I "need" to do this or I "need" to finish something. That makes it seem like work! Doing everything because I want to, because I enjoy it, makes it all seem so much more laid back and easy rather than stressing about it.

Do it with a smile or it's just not worth doing! 

         ^new phrase, kinda likin' it^

Memory Lane

I was recently thinking about memory lane, going through old messages, remembering old conversations that meant something to me at one point in time. I actually came across a few talking about how I didn't know who I was, and how I knew I was making decisions I would later regret. I knew I hurt certain people, but I could not remember ever having these conversations. That scares me. I was in such a bad place that I honestly blocked out a lot of things. Is that normal?
Oh if only I could go back and tell myself that I wont stay lost forever. I'm still trying to find myself but I'm starting to remember, as I've already said.

My issue now is that the person that I "was" and the person that I "became" are kind of conflicting. The life I'm living now is not exactly everything I would have really wanted. I guess it's kind of like being asleep but your body kept going, and waking up and wondering "what the hell, where am I??" There are thousands of little details that are missing from my life still that I miss.

I wouldn't want to go into big detail, but a lot of it has to do with my love life. I was in such a weird state of being that I think I kind of screwed up everything that was good, now I just have to deal with what's left. I miss the spark, the passion, the romance, the pizzazz, the....fun. I feel so alone in a house full of people, and the ones who are suppose to care, just seem to don't. It scares me that I'm going to wind up being the married couple that even in their middle ages can't stand each other, sleep in separate bedrooms, and fight all the time. Well we've got the fighting part down.

That's my biggest worry at the moment. That I'm just not going to be happy. Even after this life altering change I'm doing to make myself happy, there's still the one thing that means more to me than anything that just brings me down to my lowest.

Find Time for the Little Things

I don't normally have time to actually post things. I have a notebook full of little thoughts and ideas (sometimes rants) that I wish I would have posted, but never find the time to actually do it.

I want to find time to blog again, I want to find me again. A few years ago I kind of lost myself. I went through this sort of mental breakdown and in turn it made me lose sight of who I was. My style changed, I lost a lot of friends, even lost my best friend. I ended up going through a huge heartbreak because I listened and was influenced by other people instead of listening to me. I got in this horrible depression state, and I already have a type of depression, but this just took the cake. I was acting completely opposite of who I was.

I used to be a "hippie" (as what other people called me) I haven't been like that in almost three years. I hadn't been vegetarian/pesco-vegetarian in two years. I hadn't been involved in church since summer of 2011. I lost myself. Lately, the past month or so, I've been trying to find "me" again...and it feels sooo good. I actually feel happy again, or at least for the most part.

There are certain people involved in my life that bring me down. Not that they do it on purpose, but I ruined a lot of things when I went through my little ordeal, and now I'm not too sure if things are ever going to be the same again. Especially since I'm trying to appreciate the little things that used to make me "me" some people are looking at it like it's for attention. That I'm "changing" just to be noticed. I'm not changing. I'm ridding myself of the horrible change that glued itself in me.

So they can talk all they want, they can have their opinions of me and how I'm not their version of normal. I used to not let that stuff bother me, and once I listened to one persons opinion rather than my own, a huge hole was ripped open in me and all of societies influences and other peoples thoughts and opinions filled the hole rather than me fixing my own hole.

So now, I'm not letting that stuff matter anymore. I'm doing things everyday that make me happy, what bring me peace and pleasure, not what I should do and not what I'm suppose to do.

I'm finding time for the little things that used to make me, me.

8 Week Curl Revitalizing Routine

This week I start an eight week cur revitalizing system. My hair is naturally really curly, but for the past odd number of years or so of blow drying, colouring, and straightening every single day, my curls have diminished to just a dull wave. My daughter, who turned one last month, is finally getting her locks of curls that I used to have. This just adds to me missing my curls that much more.

How the routine starts is simply cut out shampoo, hair brushes, and all styling products...including the love of my life (my pro straightening iron). Then of course is getting a hair cut to remove the damaged ends and strip it of any products that can't be removed without shampoo. The last shampoo for two months! Then-

-To replace my shampoo I start with a baking soda rinse mix. Here I just mix one tablespoon in a water bottle and fill the rest up with water. Shake shake shake. Then (in the shower of course) work some of the mixture starting on my scalp since that's where my hair is most oily, then just work my way to the ends and rinse. Same as shampoo.

here's where it gets different

-First starting with a not so heavy conditioner, you scrub it on your scalp, "waking up your curl roots" and work it to your ends. Rinse.

-Next apply a heavier conditioner. I start at my roots so there is less on the top of my head so my hair doesn't end up horribly oily. Once you apply the conditioner you're suppose to comb it through with a wide tooth comb and let it sit for a moment or two. I just finish up my normal shower business then rinse it out.

-Then once more rinse your hair with cold water to decrease frizziness and add shine.

-Half towel your hair, but it still needs to be damp.

-Squirt some hair gel into your hair and scrunch. Now my hair does not do well without combing it out of the shower without it sticking on ends, so I use that same wide tooth comb and comb through the gel then scrunch and shake my hair to return the curly-ness.

and that's pretty much the routine. This is going to be interesting. I'm mostly worried because it's suppose to take a couple weeks to a month for hair to not be as oily and frizzy from shampoo withdraws since hair is used to being stripped of all its oil from shampoo. Another thing is my bangs. I have very short bangs and always straighten them to the side. Now I have no clue what I'm going to do with them. After my first day I already noticed how well my hair did with the extra moisture from the conditioner and not a ton of product in my hair. On the other hand, my hair looked like I had nothing done to it...which of course was true.  We shall see how this goes.