It's Saturday, and feels like every other day. There's a bottle of champagne in the fridge and I just bought a new blue dress. The season has finally changed but everything else is still the same. There's nothing much to report, and nothing much has happened. I know in my heart I'm trying, but there isn't much that will happened when only one person is fighting. Once upon a time I had a fighter by my side who reminded me why we fought. Now it's unnerving to fall asleep. When there is sleep there are also dreams. Dreams are always much too vivid for my own good. They have a way of resetting emotional tolls that I bury deep. I never know what emotional past might ordain upon me. I can feel myself wanting to retreat back into the zombie-like state I was once in. I chose to wake up. I chose to be myself as a person again. I didn't think it would resurface everything that I repressed in my lost days. To fall back into the comfort of going with the motions. To fall back into the arms of the dark where I didn't have to have to feel about every little thing that happens to me. I'm teetering on the edge of the trench I've known all my life that is licking it's lips to swallow me whole. I can fight through each battle, I can make it through a battle alone. The war on the other hand, the war that will never end is one that I need a fighter. I need a comrade. I need an army. I alone can bring down the keep, but I need someone by my side who knows what I'm fighting for to help me slay the ruler. Stronger and stronger I make myself. The stronger I become the more memories seem so lost. A whole life that I lost to the darkness. I'm not finding myself again because I lost everything in that last life. I'm picking the pieces up and rebuilding what once a strong life. I'm not finding, I'm rebuilding. I may never be the same, I can only be who I remember, take that person as a model, and use what has happened to me now to build a better me.
But here on Saturday morning, I wage a war inside myself and you sit oblivious. You sit and don't want to fight for us. Then why am I fighting inside myself for you?
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